Having lived in Nashville for over a year now, I've only recently realized how much I've been missing out on community. I've always just had a great support network of likeminded friends everywhere else I've ever been where it feels safe to be vulnerable and show who you really are outside of the superficial aspects of life such as interests, sports, TV shows. Don't get me wrong, I take my TV shows very seriously, I fully understand that you can't watch The Bachelor with just anyone! I'm talking about what makes you who you are, the things that shaped you and the things that hold heavy on your heart and the things that bring joy, which, by the way, I believe to be very different from happiness. I have friends here, great ones actually, that I absolutely love being around but bridging the gap of things that truly matter requires intentionality.

I've had to relearn the meaning of being intentional, because although I know how to work hard at something like school or towards something else I want, I've somehow become complacent in believing that what will be, will be, and I don't need to worry about it and leave that to God. I've become so relaxed living like this; it takes a lot to get me worked up and I've become quite proud of my apathy. I do most of my conversing, pleading, and fuming to God in my car where I get everything off my chest and then flip the switch and decide the rest is up to Him. This would seem like a strength to me if I heard it from anyone else, but, in my case, I'm afraid somewhere I confused the word worry with a mixture of caring and taking action. 

I think a lot of us Christians find ourselves in this position where things seemed to work out in the past when it was obviously not in our control and then gradually stop trying, stop being intentional, believing that because God can do it without us, He will and He will work it out for our good while we go about our own lives. 

Writing this now, and finally acknowledging how I've been living this whole time I've been in Nashville, I'm a little disgusted with myself. It was hard for me to see the fault in this approach at first because to me it sounds biblical, but where is the pursuit? I try to stay in a constant state of comfort when every historical figure I've ever known to do anything I would consider great stepped out in faith regardless of comfort. Where is the risk and the adventure that I was no stranger to before?
Though I don't know exactly what it is that I need to do differently, I know its bigger than what I would have chosen for myself. Maybe its in my recent decisions to go to Zambia, to finally join a small group, to be more intentional with each of my relationships. Maybe its a daily decision to quit putting up such a defense, I don't need it. In fact that is the one thing that is the biggest tell tale sign to me that I'm not where I need to be, when I'm in constant need of affirmation and super self-conscious. Yeah, I'm done with that, its not what God has for me and reflecting now, I can easily say its not what I want for my life either.